What dessert are you based on your zodiac sign?
National Dessert Day arrives October 14th with an emphasis on polishing the sweet tooth, and surrendering to caloric abandon. Just as every zodiac sign has a set of qualities, quirks, charms and insufferable tendencies so to do they have a dessert.
According to the BBC, the oldest known dessert is ashure. Often referred to as “Noah’s Pudding,” biblical lore holds that the dish was originally prepared by those that made it through the great flood and washed up on the welcome shores of what is now Turkey. To celebrate landfall and their own survival, the prophet’s family made a hodgepodge pudding from leftover ingredients found on the ark.
Today ashure is eaten hot and cold across the middle east and includes varying combinations of dried fruits, nuts, grains and beans.
Since the age of the ark, desserts have been sought out for solace and ceremony, through high times and rough patches, weddings and funerals. And just as there is a sweet for every occasion, there is a confection for every sign. From Dippin’ Dots to death cakes, read on to learn more about which dessert aligns with your sun sign.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Aries is the first sign in the zodiac and as such, a natural inventor and initiator. Enter Aries physicist, Baked Alaska facilitator and British loyalist Sir Benjamin Thompson whose work in thermodynamics brought about the double boiler, the drip coffee pot and the practical revelation that meringue made from egg whites operates as a culinary insulator. An extreme ilk, it tracks that an Aries would be credited for creating the technology that allows ice cream to catch fire.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Taurus is ruled by Venus planet of love, beauty, fertility, sweetness, symmetry and the pursuit of pleasure. In mythology, golden apples are associated with the namesake goddess Venus/Aphrodite who both wielded and won the mystical fruit. To boot, or to bull, Taureans are known for their diligence and love of finery and as an editor for The New York Times deftly noted in 1902, “Pie is the American synonym of prosperity.
Pie is the food of the heroic. No pie-eating people can be permanently vanquished.” Touché. Not for nothing the now ubiquitous “a la’ mode” addition to apple pie was likely inspired by a Taurus whose operative when it comes to food and drink is always and ever, more.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Built to be riffed upon and requiring only three ingredients, fudge, like the average Gemini, is great in small doses and well received at parties. Of all the signs in the zodiac, Gemini has the most nebulous relationship to the truth, viewing it as an abstract idea rather than a statement of facts. For this reason, they are inclined to “fudge” a story, excuse, recollection or resume.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Cancers famously wax poetic about what is no longer; relationships, neighborhoods before gentrification, canceled television series, pay phones, etc. The much loved and now retired Choco Taco is a fitting caloric talisman for moon children, reminding them of the sweetness that was and the haunted freezer section that is.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Cheesecake has its roots, or crust as it were, in the ancient world. Prepared by the Greeks an early prototype was served to the first Olympic athletes and as the wedding cake of choice for the elite. Leos view themselves as something of a special occasion and can get on board with any dessert reserved for winners and weddings.
Add to this that Leo Bill Clinton, in a typical leonine show of magnanimous largess, served a 2,000 pound red, white, and blue cheesecake from Eli’s of Chicago at his 1997 inauguration, slices were sold to the public and proceeds went to a Washington D.C. food banks. Fellow Leo Barrack Obama followed suit with a smaller cheesecake from the same company for his final inaugural ball in 2013.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
The justification for Virgo as s’more (an enlightening dissertation title) is three pronged. Virgo rules the bowels and the sixth house of health, service and daily habits. According to Food & Wine, “The very first marshmallows came from a plant called Althaea officinalis. Early civilizations, including the ancient Greeks and Romans, used the root and leaves of the plant for medicinal purposes, often to help with inflammation (and as a laxative).”
Add to this that chocolate is essentially a health food. Thirdly, Virgo is Latin for virgin and the graham cracker was invented by puritanical preacher Sylvester Graham who wanted to curb carnal desire by limiting inciting flavors in food, thus giving us the unsexiest biscuit of all time.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Much like Libras themselves, macaroons are high on style and full of (cardinal) air and while the palatability of either can be argued, the aesthetics of both are sound. Libra rules the seventh house of partnership, often referred to as the marriage box by astrologers, and in kind, macarons are a popular choice for weddings. Pretty on purpose and built to absorb the color and flavor profile of any addition, macarons balances meringue and icing in the same way Libras seek to balance the needs of others with the desires of the self.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Scorpio is ruled by Pluto, planet of death and transformation and lords over the eighth house of sex, death and regeneration. As such, Scorpio is something of a threshold sign, marking the divide between life and death, destruction and creation. In kind, funeral cake, which sometimes resembles shortbread, was traditionally prepared to provide sustenance for sorrow; given to mourners as a token of remembrance, marked with the initials of the dead and consumed by family members or in the Hindu tradition, offered as a series of cakes during funerary rituals and ultimately dissolved in a body of sacred water.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Bananas Foster was invented by Sagittarius chef Ella Brennan of the iconic Brennan’s restaurant in New Orleans. Archers are natural optimists and quick thinking problem solvers and on the night the dessert was first introduced, Brennan was ordered to make something on the fly to honor New Orleans Crime Commission chairman, Richard Foster. Being a fire sign, she naturally reached for something flammable and a classic was born. Sagittarius rules the ninth house of travel, philosophy and exploration and the sour note of this dessert is its ties to banana dictatorships and the capitalist exploitation of workers in the early to mid 20th century.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Capricorn is the sign of the hard boiled striver known for success at any costs, minimal emotional displays, pulling on their boot straps through gritted teeth and, wasting nothing on their long clim to the top. As a dessert, bread pudding, like the cardinal earth sign, evolved out of necessity and the reluctance to throw away stale bread in lean times. Similarly, sea goats are built to endure leave a legacy and bread pudding is best built with the oldest edible crusts you can find.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Aquarius is the sign of the free thinker, the conspiracy theorist, the innovator, the activist, the revolutionary and the unrecognized genius toiling away in their parents basement. Ender Dippin’ Dots invented in said basement by microbiologist, and suspected water bearer, Curt Jones. Dubbed “unconventional ice cream” by its creator, the confection employs cryogenics, the same technology keeping rumored to be keeping the frozen head of Walt Disney cool, to create beaded ice cream. Technology, basements, undead visionaries, all very on brand for this fixed air sign.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Originally known as “fairy floss,” cotton candy, like the average Pisces is whimsical AF. Cotton candy is almost 70% air and Pisces folk are nearly 70% poetry, avoidant behavior, white lies, the helium of hope and unrequited longing. Cotton candy is synonymous with carnivals and amusement parks, places where reality is suspended and fish folk feel right at home.
Astrology 101: Your guide to the stars
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.